The Mommy Metamorphosis
There had to be more. When I thought about the dreams I had and the visions I had for my future, this was not it. I was supposed to live in faraway places and have some job that brought me fulfillment and purpose that also left my mark on this world.
Driving to work on a rainy Tuesday morning it became perfectly clear that life did not turn out how I had planned. Each morning I would wake up to an alarm after being awoken multiple times by my 1 year old who we were still sleep-training. I would pack his breakfast, lunch, dinner and multiple snacks so that the nice ladies at Itsy Bitsy Day Care could feed him for the day.
Rushing through my shower and getting ready routine, I would pull myself together for the first challenge of the day which was the drop off. I carried him into the elevator with his diaper bag and lunch box, loaded him into the Jetta and strapped him into his car seat. Turned on Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours" and looked into the rear view mirror to see my beautiful but tired baby boy’s face smiling back at me. We sang as we crossed the traffic in Fort Lee. I could already calculate that I would be at least 30 minutes late for work but I did not have meetings that morning so no one would notice.
Park, unstrap, diaper bag, lunch box, raincoat hood up for my baby, and carried him and all his stuff inside. "Mommy always comes back to get you. No crying today, ok?" He was trying to be a big boy and happy to see his ladies but he knew what was coming. "My handsome boy!" Daisy exclaims when we walk in. He grabs me around the neck. Daisy comes to take him from me telling me to just leave. I hug him and tell him I love him so much and to have fun. He cries and Daisy pries him away from me, taking my heart with her. I hear him crying as I leave down the bright blue colored hallway with pictures of the smiling children at play. "He will be fine" I tell myself to provide some comfort but knowing in my heart that this is not natural. "I have to provide for my family" is the other one I would typically use.
I was living in a state of survival and I was just doing what I had to do. I became very good at just getting things done. The hundreds of little things that it takes to care for a baby and a dog, and an apartment, and a job. It all just got done. I thought I was holding it together but I realize now that one wrong step by anyone around me and it was like they had pulled the rug out from under my feet. I would unhinge and it was not a pretty site.
I remember that I cried a lot. After the drop off, I would cry for at least 15 minutes of my commute. I felt alone and I was tired. I had nothing left to give anyone including myself. My marriage was bearing the strain but it was uncertain for how long. I was so tired and lost. I was doing all of the caring and I really needed my husband to take care of me. I began to crave that security that I always felt growing up when my dad would embrace me and tell me everything would turn out ok.
I look back on this time and think that I was incapable of helping my baby feel secure because I was not feeling it myself. How I wish that time was different. I never had any expectations of what motherhood would be like before I became a mom. I just know that my experience did not feel right.
I had hardened and there was no penetrating the wall that I had put up. I did this so that I could stay on track with getting the things done at work and provide for my baby. The only softness left was the love I had for my handsome little boy. It was like no love I had ever felt before. He was my heart and I would do anything for him. And out of the darkness emerged a mom. A mom that decided that despite all of the discomfort and insecurity, I could do it again.
Getting ready one morning, my baby was in front of my mirrored closet doors and I noticed him checking out his reflection. He began to play with the baby in the mirror. That was the moment that I realized that he needed a sibling. My husband agreed immediately and within a month I was pregnant with baby number 2.